This next portion has to do with my religion because as much
weight as I've lost, I've gained a lot of knowledge and understanding, personal
and spiritual. I can't separate my
surgery from my spiritual growth, as I've had to deal with a lot of mental and
emotional stress that comes from losing weight and changing lifestyles. I was raised in a very religious household. I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter Day Saints (Mormons). I was also
raised outside of Utah. Many people
understand what I mean when I say I can't stand a Utah Mormon, but let me
expound on that. When any group becomes
a majority, there are a lot of people who judge and criticize others for roles
in that group. This is no different than
the Mormons in Utah. It is a culture, or
a way of life that I just never fit into.
I didn't know this at the time, but I fell away because I had never been
converted, I never knew the church was true.
I was operating on my knowledge of facts in the church, of my parents'
testimonies, and of my leaders' testimonies.
It is one thing to "know" the facts, but quite another to get
a personal knowledge of the savior and the gospel of Christ. I
didn't like that everyone was judging my decisions to date a nonmember, and I
told myself I could go to church my own way and not be judged. This worked for quite a while until I moved
into a ward that wouldn't leave me alone.
The leaders of the ward kept coming over and welcoming me into the
neighborhood and inviting me to church.
I was assigned home teachers and visiting teachers (whom I welcomed into
my home) and attempted to ignore the invitations to attend the ward
meetings. One night the bishopric came
over and got to know me and my daughter (as we were the only ones home that
night). The bishop turned to my daughter
and asked her if she knew who Jesus was.
She lit up and said of course she knew, and he asked her if she has a
picture of Jesus in her home. She became
very troubled and said no. He told her
to wait for him to return. I expected
him to return with a cheap unframed picture to hang on our wall. He returned with a picture of Christ with the
children, framed in a gold frame. He told
me he was not going to be the bishop for much longer and he wanted my daughter
to have this picture, would I put it on my wall? This brought me back to my religion and I
started attending the meetings. I was
then called to work as a primary worker and asked to be over the 4-5 year old
class at church. I started gaining my
own testimony of the gospel.
I was the happiest I'd ever been at this point. I had a great husband, a great daughter, a
good job, and my testimony was growing.
Life couldn't have been better! I
learned very quickly that life could become very bad very quick. One day, I came home to find my husband
messing around on the internet for the millionth time during our
relationship. Each time I caught him doing things over the internet, he would deny that he was doing anything wrong. Then he would admit to it but promise me he wouldn't do it again. Each time I would ask for a priesthood blessing and each time I was told how much my husband loved me. I kept telling myself that
as long as he came home to me it didn't matter who he talked to or what he did
over the internet. On this particular instance, I asked my home
teachers for a priesthood blessing, and in this blessing I was told that I need
to rely on the spirit and say what needed to be said, however harsh it might
sound and that it would be received with love.
When I confronted him about his internet problems, he told me I was the
best thing that ever happened to him and he didn't want to lose me. I told him he had two weeks to decide if he
wanted to work on things with me, meet with the bishop or a counselor, or if
we were done. In less than two weeks he
told me it would be better if we split up.
Then, in less than 30 days he was already living with his new
girlfriend.
I became very bitter and very angry with God. How could He tell me to stay with my husband
multiple times if He knew the end result was going to be
separation/divorce. After I moved out, I
lived with my brother and sister-in-law.
I attended their church and their bishop became my bishop. He challenged me to find my "sacred
grove". Now, in the church history,
Joseph Smith was searching all the different religions to find out which one to
join, he went to a grove near his house and prayed to find out which church to
join. This bishop challenged me to find
a place to pour my heart and soul out to my savior. I drive for a living, and my van has become
my sacred grove. I listened to the
scriptures with an app on my phone, I prayed and prayed for guidance to
understand and see what happened between me and my husband. The end result came in the form of a
slideshow. He showed me all the times I
came home early, woke up early, or unexpectedly caught him messing around on
the internet. The message became crystal
clear, he spoke to my heart and said "My child, I tried to tell you, but
you weren't ready to hear it yet."
